i just wanna reach and touch

i am in this weird, sound place in my life.
i'm learning to take charge and do things the way i see fit.

but i need to work on letting others teach me the best way to do things...

i know i need something, i am just unsure as to what that is.

the lord is here with me always and i've been thirsting to be there for him too.
oddly enough, i am not the most religous person but i am pretty spritual. and i have been NEEDING church in my life.

i don't care WHAT church i go to but just one where i can talk to him and touch him, metaphorically.

i am hungry for that.
the feelings i hunger for have never been fed to me by any man.
god is the only being that can fill me with what my heart desires and needs.
i am never mad at god.
i understand his role in people's lives, especially mine.


i just to need to stop being scared to open my arms and touch him.

he is god afterall!

even when no one would never touch me he has :)

it's gonna be a lovely day, like Bill Withers sang about!

Don't hate the playa, hate the game..

so.
there is this thing called a cutty buddy in my life..
and the rules were as follows:
1.no catching feelings
2.no catching feelings
3.no catching feelings

&& guess what?

i've caught feelings.

i've been in a rock 'n' roll mood..

i used to listen to Jagged Little Pill alllllll day everyday...

and i'm listening to it now and I LOVE it.

void.

So I thought we could be friends.
But I don't think that is possible.

I still love him
And its hindering

I don't wanna be touched
or bothered

By
anyone,
but
him.

"[boys] are like buses; miss one, next 15 one comin.."

i NEEEVER thought i'd take any kind of social/personal que from Gucci Mane but i can relate heavily with the line "girls [boys] are like buses; miss one, next 15 one coming.."

UUGGHH!


i may be wrong, i really wish i am, but i have to be prepared that this person may not want to be with me anymore. and it hurts. badly. i have given sooo much of myself to this person. i couldn't see anyone stepping into my life from behind him but idk, he's making it look as though that may take shape.


from JUMP i said i never want to feel more then the other person in the 'ship with me. but i have learned that it is possible. and that i may have fell in love for real this time and he may not be. he could love me. he could be in love with me. he may not love me and he could very well not be in love with me. but i need to rejoice in the fact that i fell in love regardless and i gave all i have.


when someone says they need space from you and you gave them space PREVIOUSLY and they get pissy at you for being "proactive" and you end up apologizing..like, why?!


grrrr!


or when you offer to take that person out on you and they say "lets just go somewhere quick." and you say why??

and then 3 hours later they ask if you want to go dine in at a restuarant with them and his friends.

in the past 2 mos, honestly, i have not had HIM to myself. HE's always occupied with work...or being "political" with co-workers he doesn't even like...but he can't hold hands and go to a park with me. or go to the pier like we once did. or watch a movie i wanna watch or let alone be open minded about the film.


but when he watches his movies, i'm fine even though they are dumb. or if he wants to go get drunk and then DRIVE to out...idk


this is stupid.


all i can say, no phone call and that's it.


oh, and i want my PULP FICTION back.

i'm not losing another movie to ANOTHER butt head.

DIVA-ISH ACTS OF ART *

Amanda Diva is not only a recording artist but an all around artiste..


check out this link:

http://www.divaworksofart.com/



plus--

she was on My Brother & Me on Nick...(remember?? lol)

thoughts.

Mike is home (yeeeeahhh!)

And I am scared.

Of what you may ask? I dunno. Of relationships?

Last night I fucked up and told mike that I didn't remember his bday bcuz it is in sept. And I am/was still jaded by what happened in my last relationship, which ended last sept. He mocked me causing me to realize how dumb of a comment that was.

At any rate, I love mike. And he loves me. But I get scared. I am now worrying about whether we are meant to be. In my head everything is perfect. We have our issues but we compliment each other and I know we are a pair.

I guess what I am truly trying to say is that I need to let go of my past transgressions and truly kove this man. Mike is not holding himself back from me; he is giving his best. I need to let go of the handle bars so-to-speak and raise my hands to the clouds and close my eyes.

I need to stop feeling insecure. No sense in blaming any past relationship for it...I just need to get over the shit.

I love mike and I see this relationship getting stronger as long as me and mike BOTH want to be in it. And I don't see it any other way...

this is how i felt before mike and still now.
i don't NEED a man, but having one (having mike :) is a glorious gift....

i spent 4 hours watching DefPoetry Jam episodes

land vs. water

I miss Mike.

A saint's day.

him.




Here comes the cold
Break out the winter clothes
And find a love to call your own
You - enter you
Your cheeks a shade of pink
And the rest of you in powder blue

Who knows what will be
But I'll make you this guarantee

No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone at Christmas time

In the dark, on the phone
You tell me the names of your brothers
And your favorite colors
I'm learning you
And when it snows again
We'll take a walk outside
And search the sky
Like children do
I'll say to you

No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone at Christmas time
And come January we're frozen inside
Making new resolutions a hundred times
February, won't you be my valentine?

And we'll both be safe 'til St. Patrick's Day

We should take a ride tonight around the town
and look around at all the beautiful houses
something in the way that blue lights on a black night
can make you feel more
everybody, it seems to me, just wants to be
just like you and me

No one wants to be alone at Christmas time
Come January we're frozen inside
Making new resolutions a hundred times
February, won't you be my valentine?

And if our always is all that we gave
And we someday take that away
I'll be alright if it was just 'til St. Patrick's Day

untitled.

weird feelings. i am currently @ the Hill uploading photos on f'book. i just left the mall. with a new job. i will be starting charlotte rusee on monday. this was exactly what i wanted; a job in retail. i have never done it and i wanted to try it. all my friends that have done retail hate it to death. that is fine. i really wanted a job that was the complete opposite of ERAC and c.russe is that. plus, i want to spend that xtra change on clothes and leisure activites. so with a discount i figure working retail would be the best for me. i am excited.

i am also excited about the estelle and solange concert on 3-11. and also dari's bday. her 4th anniversary of her 21st bday.

i am also excited about mike. he works wonders and he is sweet and great. but most importantly (2 me) he is a real muthafukka and i dig that. he is simple but not simple in the mind. he challenges me and he breaks things down so elementary that i understand it. and he never intends to control me bcuz he knows that drives me bonkers. i really like the fact that he keeps me sane and he knows he is to leave me to be me (make sense?) he doesn't force me into a label that is not assigned to me. like old man travis did..and all this of this scares me. i used to spend too much time wondering (before travis) whether i was 2 good for any man i came into contact with. and then post travis, i questioned whether or not any man was TOO GOOD for ME.
and now, i am positioned on the middle of the see-saw, trying to envision what will happen in this realationship. when am i gonna be at the bottom of the see-saw, comprimising myself for the sake of mike and vice-versa. i just dont want to be faint minded to think that this relationship is mos def going to end with 2.5 kids, two story home with a picket fence and all that laa-laa. i am trying to be real that if this shit don't work out, what am i going to learn.

but i am actually pushing to make it work. and mike makes me feel that my effort given is much recognized and i love it.

hmm..whom to vote 4?

Late last week, I was lisenting to my daily installment of Micheal Baisden when he said that as a society, America is dumb. He was referring to the 2008 race to the Oval. I thought it was interesting of him to say that. I began to ponder (as usual), that this presidental race is not really about who people want to be president but most people are voting against the person they don't want to see in D.C. Think about. Most Democrats don't want another Republican in office because of the preceeding elect that made decisions that were, in the opinions of Dems, irrational and whimsical. And then most Republicans can't stand the idea of a Black man being president so they will vote for McCain, even though they do not really care for John. I am all for voting for the canidate you WANT to see in office if based on facts. But people want to vote for the pretty face (circa 1960, JFK + Nixon first televised presidental debate) or the status quo (possible 2008?). Again, I do not endorse one or the other. I read up on both canidates regularly. I just think its gross how the American society is so worried about who they don't want to see in the White House, that they disregard the facts, actions and sayings of the person they plan on voting for. Since the basis of supporting the canidate is to continue to perpetuate the status-quo dominance that has been in steadfast rule since the founding roots of this country. Can we get a Laurence Fishbourne Wake Up Call, ya'll?

To Be Ordinary is a Mental State, Anyone Can be EXTRAordinary!

I read the American Legacy article on the Freedom Rides of 1961. The goal of the rides were to challenge segregation on interstate buses and terminals thourghout the South, which would accomplish a desgregating of bus depots, train stations and airports from Virginia to Texas.There were several bus bombings that took place to discourage the Freedom Riders from their tactics. One in particular was in Anniston, AL and these distracting acts simply encouraged the Freedom Riders to continue on their plight of transportaion freedom.Many riders were arrested in Jackson, MS when the Freedom Rides would go through that section of Mississippi. Rather than posting bail, the riders elected to stay in jail. The activists were relocated ot Parchman, a notorious maximum security prison. Half of the prisoners were Black and other half was White, 40% were between the ages of 18 & 21, and there were a 1/4 women. Despite the deplorable conditions, activists "organized study hours, fashioned chess sets out of paper and bread and sang freedom somgs to boost morale," (American Legacy,38).

__________________Eric Etherige, one of the original Mississippi Freedom Riders decided to photograph 100 people from the Freedom Rides in a book, titled Breach of Peace: Potraits of the 1961 Mississippi Freedom Riders. Etherige took current photos of the irders and set them against their mug shots when they were booked in Parchman Jail of Mississippi. He also asked them why they participated in the rides when the reprucussions were known.One of my favorite to read was that on Frank Halloway. He stated:

"Nonviolence wasn't necessarily a way of life, but it was a tactic. We felt like it was a tactic that worked...I didn't feel like anybody needed to reward me or congratulate me or pat me on my back. I did what I felt like I had to do."--- Frank Holloway

__________________This excerpt proves how being ordinary IS a mental state. As corny as it sounds, you are what you YEARN to be. No one can make you do anything. No once can force you to advocate something you don't care for. But trust, when you feel an urgency to push for something that is against the current status quo, it will hit you so hard like a bag of solid bricks to your abdomen. You will push so hard to see the bearing of the fruit of your beliefs.

no love sinceighteensixty5

it was weird.
erykah's song called no love on her Baduizm disc hit me hard the other day while traveling to work. it details the entire trial of my last r'ship with mr.T.. i feel that is a good name for his ass becuz his ass was as fake as the gold MISTER T would wear (and becuz his first name started with the letter..lol).

as dari said, his ass had me BELIEVING in shit that I DON'T believe in.
like translating dreams/missions into reality. he had this thing with wanting a clothing line and i have this thing for wanting to uplift the black community.

hence, when we combined we combusted with the idea of a social awarness blog...

that shit don't erase when your r'ship does, hmph!

lol

anyways...the moral is that i have robbed the articles i wrote for the blog on (http://sinceighteensixtyfive.blogspot.com/) and am going to post it here...

i designed the blog.
and im going to delete that sun'of'a'bitch.

thank you.

"...but i don't usually," -biggie.

i wonder.

*what would happen if Tupac arrived at the Notorious premiere...

check out this site:
http://www.faceinhole.com/us/

i love it .

16*

16 things you don't know about me?

quite random.

1. i want an Altima coupe with a sun roof and then a Audi coupe with a convertible top. in that order.

2. i am obsessed with Triscuits and sushi.

3. i have flat feet.

4. i'm overprotective of those that i love. i will fight. (sum'thang i never thought possible.)

5. i want to adopt. or birth 3 boys.

6. rihanna is the baddast bitch. right behind kimora. and me of course ;-]




7. i love goodwill stores. i live there. Prada wallet was found there. I orgasm. profusley when one is found.

8. i want to fly straight to Durban South Africa. and chill at the beach right NOW! (its summer there)

9. LOOOOOOOVES fishing!!!!

10. i want and iTouch. (wishlist :)

11. i hate those purses that look like a cow was used to make em.

12. i will do ANYTHING around the house but cut grass. allergic.

13. i wanna bed Lupe Fiasco. more so his music than him.

14. i know EVERY word to EVERY song on the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill.

15. never have i worn weave.

16. said i love you. but always questioned the validity.

SASHA FIERR--rrmm..i mean Beyonce:

I have said on MANY occasions that my fave. music from Beyonce is from Writings on the Wall and Dangerously in Love.

I bought the new I Am disc and returned the shit the following day...but this song..
is beautiful.

My fave verse is this one:

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me to the ground again

and it is kinda sick that it may only be because of a certain somebody, HA!
go figure.
anyways, the point is that I like Halo. and that's it.

Video: Halo-Beyonce.

New yr. New me.

It is a new year!
I normally do not do these things called resolutions besides resolving issues or problems. But this year I feel different. I am not sure why that is, but I need not to question.

Firstly: I want to gather and organize my finances so this time next year, I am solid with my money.
Secondly: I want to save my money.
Thirdly: I want my passport before year ends.


The steps I will take to reach my goals are listed...
#1-Sit and call and arrange payments for the next 3/4 months and have at least half of all unecessary bills paid off and defer payment on school loans for one year. And meet with Spring Hill on how to do so.

#2-Set up direct deposit for both savings accounts, at a credit union and commercial bank.

#3-"Order" a new social secruity card and birth certificate to submit for a passport.
~ ~ ~
I do not know where this sudden burst of inspiration has occured. I have never been able to firmly state my goals and the steps needed to complete the goals. I have never written them down or have been so serious about them. A person I once value, who is now in my past for a reasonable reason, once said that when I am able to sit and write my goals, that is when my mind is ready to evaluate who I am as an individual and will be able to learn how to focus my energy on how to conceptulize my life and its value to the world/community around me.

I do not know about you, but my life is destined.

Whether or not I have one on my side or if I ride shotgun solo.

Life is short and there is nothing but the vision of attainment in my future.
~ ~ ~

On another note, I need a change physically.

I found a new haircut. I thought I wanted to grow out my hair after chopping inches off a year and a half ago. Dari's issue of Nylon inspired me to take another cut to my mane, like Lily Allen:

LA.Bella..

in love with this blog:

www.LdotAdotBella.blogspot.com

(i know, i know...i've been neglecting my blog...imma step up my game lol)