i just wanna reach and touch

i am in this weird, sound place in my life.
i'm learning to take charge and do things the way i see fit.

but i need to work on letting others teach me the best way to do things...

i know i need something, i am just unsure as to what that is.

the lord is here with me always and i've been thirsting to be there for him too.
oddly enough, i am not the most religous person but i am pretty spritual. and i have been NEEDING church in my life.

i don't care WHAT church i go to but just one where i can talk to him and touch him, metaphorically.

i am hungry for that.
the feelings i hunger for have never been fed to me by any man.
god is the only being that can fill me with what my heart desires and needs.
i am never mad at god.
i understand his role in people's lives, especially mine.


i just to need to stop being scared to open my arms and touch him.

he is god afterall!

even when no one would never touch me he has :)

it's gonna be a lovely day, like Bill Withers sang about!

Don't hate the playa, hate the game..

so.
there is this thing called a cutty buddy in my life..
and the rules were as follows:
1.no catching feelings
2.no catching feelings
3.no catching feelings

&& guess what?

i've caught feelings.

i've been in a rock 'n' roll mood..

i used to listen to Jagged Little Pill alllllll day everyday...

and i'm listening to it now and I LOVE it.

void.

So I thought we could be friends.
But I don't think that is possible.

I still love him
And its hindering

I don't wanna be touched
or bothered

By
anyone,
but
him.

"[boys] are like buses; miss one, next 15 one comin.."

i NEEEVER thought i'd take any kind of social/personal que from Gucci Mane but i can relate heavily with the line "girls [boys] are like buses; miss one, next 15 one coming.."

UUGGHH!


i may be wrong, i really wish i am, but i have to be prepared that this person may not want to be with me anymore. and it hurts. badly. i have given sooo much of myself to this person. i couldn't see anyone stepping into my life from behind him but idk, he's making it look as though that may take shape.


from JUMP i said i never want to feel more then the other person in the 'ship with me. but i have learned that it is possible. and that i may have fell in love for real this time and he may not be. he could love me. he could be in love with me. he may not love me and he could very well not be in love with me. but i need to rejoice in the fact that i fell in love regardless and i gave all i have.


when someone says they need space from you and you gave them space PREVIOUSLY and they get pissy at you for being "proactive" and you end up apologizing..like, why?!


grrrr!


or when you offer to take that person out on you and they say "lets just go somewhere quick." and you say why??

and then 3 hours later they ask if you want to go dine in at a restuarant with them and his friends.

in the past 2 mos, honestly, i have not had HIM to myself. HE's always occupied with work...or being "political" with co-workers he doesn't even like...but he can't hold hands and go to a park with me. or go to the pier like we once did. or watch a movie i wanna watch or let alone be open minded about the film.


but when he watches his movies, i'm fine even though they are dumb. or if he wants to go get drunk and then DRIVE to out...idk


this is stupid.


all i can say, no phone call and that's it.


oh, and i want my PULP FICTION back.

i'm not losing another movie to ANOTHER butt head.

DIVA-ISH ACTS OF ART *

Amanda Diva is not only a recording artist but an all around artiste..


check out this link:

http://www.divaworksofart.com/



plus--

she was on My Brother & Me on Nick...(remember?? lol)

thoughts.

Mike is home (yeeeeahhh!)

And I am scared.

Of what you may ask? I dunno. Of relationships?

Last night I fucked up and told mike that I didn't remember his bday bcuz it is in sept. And I am/was still jaded by what happened in my last relationship, which ended last sept. He mocked me causing me to realize how dumb of a comment that was.

At any rate, I love mike. And he loves me. But I get scared. I am now worrying about whether we are meant to be. In my head everything is perfect. We have our issues but we compliment each other and I know we are a pair.

I guess what I am truly trying to say is that I need to let go of my past transgressions and truly kove this man. Mike is not holding himself back from me; he is giving his best. I need to let go of the handle bars so-to-speak and raise my hands to the clouds and close my eyes.

I need to stop feeling insecure. No sense in blaming any past relationship for it...I just need to get over the shit.

I love mike and I see this relationship getting stronger as long as me and mike BOTH want to be in it. And I don't see it any other way...

this is how i felt before mike and still now.
i don't NEED a man, but having one (having mike :) is a glorious gift....

i spent 4 hours watching DefPoetry Jam episodes